Now, I'm back!
http://rubyd.deviantart.com/art/Welcome-Back-Riku-37202207
After a long day (which for the first time I will narrate!), I went back to do this blog to recollect myself.
It was Saturday and I woke up 9am to study for my 12nn cultural studies: text and textuality class with a reading on the linguistics of Saussure. I ate and went to school to find out that my class has moved its venue and I waited for 10 minutes in the classroom anxious if there would be class at all. It was a very unsettling experience because I spent my whole Friday afternoon reading the same text and woke up to reading that text and spent my ride to school on the train also reading the same text. I wanted to have the class!
Lo and behold a graduate student classmate of mine (I'm an undergraduate by the way) went in to tell that the class' venue was in the lecture room in the Department of English. The class was fine, but I must say that being a psychology major with a self-confessed philosophical orientation to the world, entering the shoes of Saussure and his linguistics and the metaphysics it constructs is too exhausting to take in for a whole 3 hours.
http://danikalsupremacy.deviantart.com/art/Linguist-Shoes-83635224
After that class, I was planning on watching the movie "New Moon" with my friends for some laughs. But no, most of my friends cancelled on me. So I went to a Bookstore to buy some pencils, eat a bowl of soup in a fastfood, and venture into the research library I have never went to in a shabby dormitory/condo complex to look for some resources I and my other friends' research projects. I honestly did not find anything particularly useful, but the experience was very rewarding.
The experience of being alone all this while or at least having no dominant person to relay words with was very peculiar. I'm not a particularly social person, but I've been used to enjoy the company of other people to a point that I've forgotten how to be not with others lately. I'm not particularly private as well, but I honestly admit that alone time procured in me a feeling of restlessness.
What makes being alone an endeavor?
What I can say is something that I draw from Kristeva: that in being alone, we speak to ourselves. Today, I was forced to look into myself. If I am a particularly critical person both in the realm of ideas and people, which I consider myself to be, this critical orientation or attitude if I may say was redirected towards myself. Today, I saw myself in a different light. Not that I claim to have found an Archimedian point to move myself, but I was able to examine myself and objectively at that I believe so. I was faced with my own radical otherness and I was moved from within.
How does this happen?
Through silence...
http://deatharoundtheeyes.deviantart.com/art/Quiet-138170174
Saussure tells us that before we even speak, we have already been spoken and that before we even write, we have already been written. I'm not one to really adhere to this linguistic metaphysics, but as a theory of knowledge, it does make sense.
I didn't particularly aim at examining myself earlier and I just simply let myself be. I did what I wanted to do, nothing predetermined or pre-planned. My thoughts were serene because I did what simply "flowed".
I was spoken by the language of silence.
In the silence of my mind, without that conscious effort to critique my own thought process, I was able to achieve a different form of criticism and of knowing. That of my own. My being was able to express and communicate itself to me without me consciously inducing it.
I found out that I really love research and adored topics concerning humor, sexuality, and politics. That was me.
Silence speaks of us in ways our mind can never do through words.
http://ictenbey.deviantart.com/art/SILENCE-69243859
You should try it out.
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